I am feeling very 'shut down' at the moment. I used to spend hours on forums, but they just don't seem to feel right for me any more.
My favourite was always Inspire, but I am now fed up with certain people jumping on me everytime that I mention anything that is natural, non-toxic, or is in any way 'alternative' that I really don't feel I can contribute any more. When others go on about cyto-toxic chemo I don't post about the fact that it may only work for, say, 30% of patients with bad side effects thrown in free. Inspire seems to have been taken over by some very narrow minded people, so I no longer find it inspiring.
I guess I am also a bit fed up with offering support to others, but never feel as though there is really any support for me. Certainly in my life I feel that when things are not going to plan people distance themselves from me. For instance the ladies I work with have the time and money to go clubbing together, but not to go out for a meal which could include me. They arrange things and I am excluded, they go to lunch and I am excluded. It is like being in a bubble. I hardly dare mention my problems for fear of being further excluded. Or is it just that, right now, I don't really know what I need and I feel as though I am drifting.
Last week I got the news that I am at 'risk of redundancy'. I find that I no longer really care about the place where I have worked since 1984 as it seems to have become a souless place that has rather forgotten the reason for its existence. I can't exactly see what they are trying to do, or what I would be trying to fit into if I decided to go for any of the new jobs. The ones that are nearest to what I do now are basically half the hours that I do at present and would be in the early evening. I already feel isolated enough because I live on my own, and part of the reason I liked my job was that it gave me contact with people; but this would mean being pretty much on my own at work as well. It would also mean working until about 7.30pm so I would have no social life. I rarely see anyone at the weekends because they are busy with their families and friends, and I don't feel as though I am included. Maybe that is why I feel the 'loss' of the forums as well. They were my social contact from my isolation.
The other problem with the potential job loss is, where would I ever get another job? Who would want to employ someone with Stage IV breast cancer?