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Friday, 23 March 2012

Up to my eyeballs in butterflies and flowers

All I seem to have done this week, so far, is work and make wedding invitations.  I have been up to my eyeballs in punched butterflies and flowers, making wedding invitations for my neice's wedding on 12 May 2012.  I have to say that I am rather proud of the results though, and at least they are unique.  I spent last Friday going round shops in Oxford (went to see my aunt last weekend) trying to find the right colour paper for the project.  Vicky's colours are dusky pink and cornflower blue, but you try finding pink paper which isn't candy pink!  Eventually found what I wanted in Broad Canvas on Broad Street which is an art supply shop which also has some craft stuff.  It was also good to be able to support an 'boutique' shop that isn't part of a large chain.

So next on the list are the Order of Service for the wedding, and then maybe Thank You cards ... but right now I am not going to think about them.  The weather has been really lovely here, and if Saturday is the same I think that I will have a Me Day and maybe even sit in the sun and soak up some vitamin D and relax.  It is also nice to think that the Easter Holidays will be starting at the end of next week and I will be able to do a bit of travelling around.  Don't really have too many plans about what I will actually do as every time I seem to make too many plans at the moment they seem to come unstuck in one way or another.

I had acupuncture this morning which has helped to release the muscles in my left leg again.  I think the infection may finally have been hit on the head, but the effects in my muscles are still causing me a bit of a problem.  However some of the ladies at the college may be starting a circuit training session at the college gym after work one evening, and I may join them and see what gentle exercises I can do, even if it is just walking, or a bit of cycling.  I'm certainly not going to throw myself into using weights and the rowing machine, but I do need to be able to get some amount of movement back into the old bod.  If I do it in a structured way with some other ladies it might be beneficial.  Watch this space ... 

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

1,000 views of my Blog!

Just noticed that today the 1,000th view of my blog has happened.  WOW.

Today it was back in the old routine of treatment.  I didn't expect to find myself with an oncologist who knew more about my case than me.  According to the Registrar

1.  I have sciatica - no that is not the problem with my leg.  I have had sciatica before and this is nothing like it.  Kept trying to tell her where the pain was, and that it was not nerve pain, but she insists that it is sciatic pain, or possibly a DVT.
2.  I was trying to tell her about the inflammation markers that Poole hospital are using to track the infection that landed me in hospital for two weeks.  'We don't use infammatory markers they are not reliable and are probably related to the cancer' she informs me before I can finish what I am saying.  Then why have Poole been using them to track how the antibiotics are dealing with the staph infection.  Well obviously they don't know anything.
3.  Evidently I had my last CT scan in Southampton in September.  I told her it was done in Lymington in August and she told me I was wrong...excuse me but which one of us was actually there???
4.  My last bone scan was in Southampton in September.  Right place, wrong month, but she insisted she was right.

Why is it that talking to doctors feels like a totally redundant exercise when they know it all.  By the way I have been right every time about my health and they have been wrong.  I know that I can trust my own judgment.  Them?  I am not convinced they even listen as they have already come to a decision without examining me, or having access to any x-rays or scans.

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Living in the first person - I, me

I was thinking about this when I woke up this morning.  The need to live in the First Person, to make sure that I takes care of Me before anyone else.

We all live with cancer in the First Person, whether we want to admit it or not.  I have cancer.  I have treatment.  If I don't take care of Myself and look after My body, strength, stress levels and so on, the I may not be around to help anyone else.

Living in the First Person is not something that comes naturally to most of us.  Humans are a social animal and even though I haven't had the most social of lives I still tend to think that I should not come first when dealing with others.  Not that we want to put ourselves before others all the time.  A few years ago I met someone I knew as a child.  It soon became clear that she really wasn't interested in getting to know me again, and as I wasn't likely to be of any social or financial advantage to her I have not heard from her since although she knows of my diagnosis.  This is not the king of living in the First Person that I am talking about.

This week at work I was supposed to be continuing my gradual return to work after having my hip replacement and being in hospital for another two weeks with an infection requiring IV antibiotics.  By Thursday one colleague had been off all week after having teeth removed, and my other colleague was off unwell.  So there am I trying to do three people's work, and even ending up spending a couple of hours trying to finish all the incoming work for that day at home, and not finishing until 9pm.  This is exactly the sort of thing that I should not be doing.  Even though I don't work on Fridays I spent part of the morning working from home, and went in for a short time before leaving after a barage of complaining students coming to the desk before I had time to turn the computer on.  One was so upset he didn't get his EMA payment because his mother didn't identify herself in the phone call she made about the absence in question, that he said that if I didn't call his mother to sort this out mum would be taking this higher.  Told him to do exactly that, showed him where the office of the Middle Manager was and turned off the computer and come home.  I don't need this kind of crap when I am trying to help them out, save the college money and doing my job correctly.  The call in question is on the system, and there is a message played to the caller before they leave a message asking them to identify themselves.  Doh!  Sorry folks I don't do telepathy.

I made the mistake of putting my colleagues, the 'customers' and the college I work for before my own good.  I am going to try and learn my lesson from this, but I have tried to do this before, but just end up going back to being second best when I should be the First Person I consider.  I was so tired by the time I got home yesterday afternoon that I slept most of the late afternoon and evening, as well as all night.  But it is noone else's fault but mine.  I am angry at my self for doing this yet again.  When will I learn?