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Sunday, 3 February 2013

I hate passwords

I hate passwords and sites that seem to just decide that your password is no longer valid.  I've just spent five minutes trying to log back in to this blog and I was seriously thinking on strangling the mouse!  It's ok mouse, it wasn't your fault, I know that, but you were just the first thing to hand at the time.  I don't want to be told that my password was changed 17 days ago, when I know that it wasn't, so do this and then do that and set a new password (and you are NOT allowed to use a previous password) which has to be longer that this, but shorter than that ... blah.

Mind you, wouldn't it be great if we could have a password to life that we could just reset every now and then and then carry on?  Could we do that with cancer?  Find out where things went wrong and then just change the password that was used at that point and continue on?

I have, however, reached a point where I don't think that I can imagine my life without cancer and this is partly because I didn't have much of a life before cancer.  Not a life that meant anything anyway.  I really do appreciate life far more these days, and I feel far more connected to society and the world around me.  My life has changed a lot in the last 10 years, but especially in the last 5 years.  I think I have come to value myself much more than I ever used to.  I think of myself as having a positive contribution to make, even if it is just to show that you can live with incurable cancer.

The key word there for me is with.  I probably will never get rid of the little beastie but I have learned to co-exist with it by putting it in its place which is in my life, but not at the centre of my life.  That area of my life is reserved for doing things that have meaning to me, if no one else.  The centre of my life has become about fulfilment, meaning, contributing and enjoying just being alive.  It isn't about the grand things in life, about having my photo taken in front of the Taj Mahal, the Pyramids or the Grand Canyon but it is about photos of my family and people that I meet, about places that I visit, of things that I want to do.  I no longer try to be perfect.  I no longer try to be someone that is 'acceptable' to others.  I am someone who is acceptable to me.


  1. Can't think of a better way of saying soothing and perfect and at home with yourself. Good for you....we all strive to find that but you have a particular way of writing it that just hits home. You really do contribute so much to so many....

    1. Thank you my French friend. I just wish there is some way that I could help people deal with a mets dx that can cut short the months of grief, despair and anguish that I went through. It was a struggle to find a life that is so much better than BC (before cancer). Maybe that is why I don't feel that cancer is my enemy any more, and that I am not in a battle with it. It may have come with anger, but it has given me peace.

      I'm off to bed ... treatment tomorrow morning - yippee - not.