I was thinking about this when I woke up this morning. The need to live in the First Person, to make sure that I takes care of Me before anyone else.
We all live with cancer in the First Person, whether we want to admit it or not. I have cancer. I have treatment. If I don't take care of Myself and look after My body, strength, stress levels and so on, the I may not be around to help anyone else.
Living in the First Person is not something that comes naturally to most of us. Humans are a social animal and even though I haven't had the most social of lives I still tend to think that I should not come first when dealing with others. Not that we want to put ourselves before others all the time. A few years ago I met someone I knew as a child. It soon became clear that she really wasn't interested in getting to know me again, and as I wasn't likely to be of any social or financial advantage to her I have not heard from her since although she knows of my diagnosis. This is not the king of living in the First Person that I am talking about.
This week at work I was supposed to be continuing my gradual return to work after having my hip replacement and being in hospital for another two weeks with an infection requiring IV antibiotics. By Thursday one colleague had been off all week after having teeth removed, and my other colleague was off unwell. So there am I trying to do three people's work, and even ending up spending a couple of hours trying to finish all the incoming work for that day at home, and not finishing until 9pm. This is exactly the sort of thing that I should not be doing. Even though I don't work on Fridays I spent part of the morning working from home, and went in for a short time before leaving after a barage of complaining students coming to the desk before I had time to turn the computer on. One was so upset he didn't get his EMA payment because his mother didn't identify herself in the phone call she made about the absence in question, that he said that if I didn't call his mother to sort this out mum would be taking this higher. Told him to do exactly that, showed him where the office of the Middle Manager was and turned off the computer and come home. I don't need this kind of crap when I am trying to help them out, save the college money and doing my job correctly. The call in question is on the system, and there is a message played to the caller before they leave a message asking them to identify themselves. Doh! Sorry folks I don't do telepathy.
I made the mistake of putting my colleagues, the 'customers' and the college I work for before my own good. I am going to try and learn my lesson from this, but I have tried to do this before, but just end up going back to being second best when I should be the First Person I consider. I was so tired by the time I got home yesterday afternoon that I slept most of the late afternoon and evening, as well as all night. But it is noone else's fault but mine. I am angry at my self for doing this yet again. When will I learn?