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Friday, 18 May 2012

Butterflies, flowers and depression

Today I have been finishing off the Thank You cards for my niece to send out to everyone who gave them gifts for their wedding.  Have done about 60 cards in all, and then it is up to Vicky and Trevor to get them sent off.  Vicky's wedding has been the one bright spot on my horizon recently and in a way I will miss having that as a focus as it is something so positive and optimistic, and makes me feel as though life can still move forward.

Today is the end of the first week of being signed off from work because my depression has got the better of me at the moment.  I went to the doctor on Monday and she signed me off for a month, and also wants me to increase my dosage of Prozac.  I haven't done that at the moment as I want to be able to do things to help myself to get some equilibrium back in my life.  I took the medical form in on Tuesday as I was going over to Brockenhurst anyway for a reflexology session.  I had a bit of a chat with my line manager, and also brought home some of my stuff as I don't see the point of leaving things there.  At the moment I really don't want to have to set foot in the place again, but I know that I will have to do so sometime.  I used to enjoy working there once upon a time, but now I realise that I have just been stupid to work so hard only to find myself facing redundancy.

Part of me doesn't really mind the idea of being thrown out of a job as I have come to realise that I am wasting my life working somewhere which really doesn't recognise that I work hard.  They have shown through this process of restructuring that they have no idea what we do in our team.  The whole place is becoming more about style than substance.

One main problem with being Stage IV is not knowing how long you have to live.  I have outlived the average for my diagnosis, and I am fast approaching the magical Five Years of living with a diagnosis of breast cancer which would have been Stage IV if they had listened to me about my symptoms.  In some ways I am doing very well, but my mobility is not so good as the left hip seems to have been effected by the infection that I had.  There again, I have not been able to get out and walk too much recently because of the wet weather and being at work, so that is one of my goals while I am not at work.

One suggestion that my line manager had was that I should write a book about living with Stage IV breast cancer, but I am not sure about that.  However it might be a way of getting myself to sort my thoughts and plans out a bit.  I feel as though I have lost focus recently and getting some order into my life might help.

Tomorrow I am hoping to get to a Green Living event taking place at a local school and see what they have on offer.  Maybe it will be a way to find something to fill my time when I am no longer working.

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