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Sunday, 9 September 2012

You matter?

As some of you may have noticed I am not in the best frame of mind at the moment.  I guess I feel that my life is pretty pointless and that I just don't matter.

For instance I went back to work on Thursday to properly start my new post.  I found that I have no desk, no PC, no phone and no one is really interested.  My key card has been deleted so I can't get in any doors, though someone will possibly do something about it some time.  Eventually it was decided that I could be in a small office upstairs for a few weeks until the office where I am supposed to be based has been vacated, because no one thought it was necessary to make sure this was done, after all no one is interested and I don't matter.  So off I go upstairs to have a look once I had got hold of the key.  I found that the door was open and the room is stuffed with junk.  That really makes me feel as though I matter - not.  No one is interested.  A lot of people are so busy that they are totally stressed and have been reduced to tears by the usual mess up at the start of a new academic term, so as I could help at least take phone messages I volunteered to help.  No one was interested, and my former boss didn't think that it was a good idea that I help out some members of her team who have been working from 7.30am to 6pm, or longer!  One friend has been answering e-mails at home past midnight on a couple of days.  They have been told that they are not allowed to have food on their desks as they are out in the open plan part of the area, and then get told they should be answering their phones when they go into the back office to gobble down a sandwich, or make themselves a drink.  I am told I am not allowed to help out, and no one will give me somewhere to do my own job, or tell me what is going on.  Because I don't matter. 

In the end I just found a desk and started to take off phone messages and deal with them because no matter how p*ssed I am with the college where I work I am not prepared to sit around and watch people struggle when I can help out.  It was either that or go home!  Actually writing this down makes it even more astonishingly stupid.  I feel as though I am totally invisible there and it has totally reinforced the concept that they really don't want me there.  I have had to ask when I should return to work because they have reduced my hours and the number of weeks that I work so much I don't really have any spare days to waste.  I could go on about it all, but it only makes me angry.

As a result of this and being excluded from a group I mentioned in the last blog I have been really depressed because I feel so useless, invisible, unwanted.  I started a facebook group for metastatic breast cancer advocacy and I have left that because ... well what's the point?  The group that I am excluded on because of where I live is associated with the main forum that I have been a member of for over three years.  I no longer feel that I want to go there either, especially as they seem to be getting into bed with Big Pharma who are one of the main sponsors of the group that excludes me.  The pharmaceutical company is one that made the HRT tablets I was told to take after my hysterectomy in 2002, and which I was assured by my doctors would do me more good than harm despite my repeated mentioning of my mother having had breast cancer.  This company also makes cancer treatments, so they have the full circle sewn up.  Cause it and 'cure' it, or maybe not because we are now incurable.

However one friend did answer a post I had made and included a link to a TEDx video.  I love TED talks, and TEDx is the locally organised version under TED rules, so to speak.  Watch this an see if you still feel as though you don't matter, and also why you feel that you don't matter.

It has made me think and refocus on the fact - does it really matter that no one thinks that I matter, or have any importance?  Why am I wasting my time and energy feeling so depressed I have been crying and sleeping most of the last two days because I have no energy to do anything?  In fact _____ (fill in the word of your choice) you.  I do matter, maybe only to me, and I am not going to let them get me down.  I MATTER. 

Thanks Jo, love ya, hug ya, squeeze ya.  Vicki xxx

1 comment:

  1. Vicki,
    love ya, squeeze ya and hug ya old buddy.
    It was all my pleasure BECAUSE you know why???
    WE MATTER ;)
    It has been such a joy to read that my spirit was able to reach out to yours.
    This is a lonely bloody journey we are on so it is great to be able to hold someones hand every now and then.
    More hugs from across the seas.