I don't really like this time of year at work because it is very quiet, and I'm not very good at taking it easy and chatting as I am used to have to work at top speed to get through my work load. This week one of my colleagues is on holiday in Spain and I am having to do her job and mine, basically, and I still don't have enough to do. And as I am on the front desk dealing with the students I can't really hide away and read a book, so I am pretending to do something while I blog.
It does raise the question of why am I trying to stay working at the college? I do wonder sometimes if I have made the right decision. When you are Stage IV it is difficult to be able to make decisions about things like work. Do I give up? What would my life be like without work? Am I wasting what time I have doing a mundane job? What about finances? For that matter how much time do I have? What do I do with that time?
I like the concept of being 'normal' and still being able to work and contribute something to society. I don't want to be sitting at home, starring at the walls and waiting to die. Stage IV doesn't come with a 'best before', 'use by', or 'display until' date because there are no absolute barriers. In my case it has been a matter of continual adaption to my conditions - physical, mental and emotional and these are subtle and ongoing changes which affect not only myself but my family and those I work with. On occasion this means that I am not the easiest person to be around but, just as I accept that others have a bad day, I expect them to accept that I am not always at my best. Sometimes it is difficult to remember that there are others around when I am having a 'crisis' because there is always the feeling that I am on my own with this; and besides there is so much junk floating around in my head some times I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Oh joy - time to go home...