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Friday, 16 September 2011

In Limbo

The end of another working week and already I find myself looking forward to half term!  That is one of the great things about working in admin in education, the holidays.  The problem is that I am not sure whether to really plan anything.

Since cancer destroyed my right hip, resulting in a total hip replacement in January 2008, my left hip has been deteriorating.  It has always been slightly deformed and now has osteoarthritis.  Recent scans have shown that it is now just bone on bone articulation and the deterioration seems to be excellerating.  The depressive side of me thinks - your cancer is incurable so they won't want to do anything as it will be a waste of money, and because I am not swollowing painkillers like Smarties they don't take me seriously when I tell them I have a problem.  Trouble is that I have been right every time, and they have been wrong about my health.  It seems, however, that I might have to go through the hoops of physio etc despite having had scans which show the state that it is in - sigh.

I want to be able to still do things and get out and about, but I can't really make any plans as I have no idea when / if they might actually do something.  I think I am just feeling frustrated with several things that don't seem to be going well at the moment; but it is the end of the week and I am tired, which doesn't help. 

It is not that I plan ahead that much, but it is nice to have something to look forward to, and nice to have the idea that there is a future out there somewhere.  I love the saying 'yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery'.  Over the last couple of years I have been working on letting go of the past, and not worrying about the future.  What is the point in worrying about the future and wasting what is happening right now?  I can not actually experience the future, until it becomes the present.  I am not alive in the past or the future I am alive NOW and I need to make the most of it.  That does not have to involve doing something extraordinary every day, and I don't have a Bucket List as I think that having such a list would make you focus on things that I haven't done, and in some cases things that I am not likely to do.  Just living each day and doing the best that I can do each day is the only way to make the most of life. 

There will always be days when I achieve more, feel more motivated and when life just seems to be fine.  There will also be the opposite kinds of days, but then that IS life.  Life is about going to work, doing the washing up, doing the shopping, washing, cleaning...but that doesn't make those days any less valued.  Without the ordinary how do we recognise the extraordinary?  I can't imagine living in a country where the weather is the same every day as I love the English weather.  There are those wonderful days, like yesterday, when it is warm and sunny; the sky is a perfect cloudless blue that can stop you in your tracks.  If it was like that every day who would notice the beautiful sky?  Why do people complain about rain?  This would not be a green and pleasant land without the rain, we would not have water to use without worrying about how much we are using without the rain, crops would not grow without the get my drift. 

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