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Wednesday, 7 September 2011

I'm not going back...

...to read the previous posts. They are from a different part of my journey that was filled with the pain of not having a clear plan of dealing with a diagnosis of incurable cancer. I think that this is the biggest problem of having such a diagnosis. It is like being pushed over and not being able to put your hands down to stop you crashing face first into oblivion.

It is a feeling of intense loneliness, of being cut free from the future and the past and drifting in space trying to find something to hang on to. That no curative treatment is offered, only palliative, made me feel as though I should just go into the corner and die quietly and not waste the time of the oncologists, or waste NHS resources. What can you hold on to in such a position? Where do you go from there?

The destination took me quite some time to locate, and I'm still not sure that I am there. I have found a place of peace and contentment with myself and my life. We are all alive in this very moment - yesterday is history and tomorrow is a mystery. I have wasted a lot of my life and I am not going to waste any more of it by being dragged back by the past and fretting about a future that has not yet arrived for any of us.  It is all about the here and now, and I am ok at the moment; I can manage.

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