Yes I know that sounds like an oxymoron but I just came across a definition which puts into words many of the things that I think about cancer. I came to the conclusion a while ago that I wasn't going to give cancer any more power over my life than it already had. It has taken a lot already and I am not prepared to give it more than I absolutely have to. It craves the power to control everything about us, and it succeeded with me for a while. Then I learned to push it away each time it tried to return to the centre of my world and, although I know it is still there on the edge, now it is not at the vortex of my mind. After all cancer has its limitations and although it may have control over some of our cells it ain't got them all. Mindfulness has helped me regain control and focus on this exact moment; a moment in which I am safe, well and peaceful.
Cancer is so limited…
It cannot cripple Love
It cannot shatter Hope
It cannot corrode Faith
It cannot destroy Peace
It cannot kill Friendship
It cannot suppress Memories
It cannot silence Courage
It cannot invade the Soul
It cannot steal Eternal Life
It cannot conquer the Spirit
Author Unknown
Thursday, 12 July 2012
Monday, 9 July 2012
It's 6.15am and I've been up for a while.
I think I totally overdosed on sugar yesterday! At work it was the first day of the Staff Training Week yesterday and they were doing free coffee and danish in the staff room of the college. We went down and got a load, then someone got a load more, then I had to go and buy some chocolates for someone who is leaving and got some for my self and ate a load of them. You KNOW what it is like, I am sure. It was partly boredom at work yesterday because I had nothing to do but wait around for the Principal's end of the academic year All Staff Meeting, and do a display for Wednesday to try and explain to the teaching staff what the support staff do to support their teaching.
A couple of years ago on a staff training day we had to sit through a morning presentation of how wonderful the teaching staff are, and how we minnions support their teaching. When they asked for feed-back quite a few of us suggested that they might like to do the same, but the other way round; tell the teaching staff how wonderful the support staff are, and what we do to enable them to teach. They really don't have a clue and since they don't understand what goes on on the non-teaching side of college life. We had a New Student Day last week for those learners who will be starting in September and when they were showing their group round it was a quick walk straight through "here they do travel and attendance", so we started to give our own guide to what goes on there.
Anyway, my alarm has just gone off and I must get ready for work! I am thinking smoothie with blueberries for breakfast.
A couple of years ago on a staff training day we had to sit through a morning presentation of how wonderful the teaching staff are, and how we minnions support their teaching. When they asked for feed-back quite a few of us suggested that they might like to do the same, but the other way round; tell the teaching staff how wonderful the support staff are, and what we do to enable them to teach. They really don't have a clue and since they don't understand what goes on on the non-teaching side of college life. We had a New Student Day last week for those learners who will be starting in September and when they were showing their group round it was a quick walk straight through "here they do travel and attendance", so we started to give our own guide to what goes on there.
Anyway, my alarm has just gone off and I must get ready for work! I am thinking smoothie with blueberries for breakfast.
Waiting for the other shoe to fall ...
I belong to a couple of advanced breast cancer forums and recently there has been a spate of deaths of members with Stage IV breast cancer. Just in case anyone doesn't know what this means, here is a hint ... there is no Stage V breast cancer. These deaths, combined with another post, have brought into focus the guilt that I feel that I have not had a progression in four and a half years, and that I am still alive. In short, I am still waiting for the other shoe to fall. I guess this can also be called Survivor's Guilt. It is not only guilt it is confusion, according to statistics I should be dead by now, so how do I deal with this unexpected time.
The unpredictability of this disease is one of the difficult things to live with. I know that I looked at statistics when I first had access to the internet after my diagnosis and all it did was scare the b'Jesus out of myself. It is not a disease that has a specific time scale, "the fever will break on the third day" type of thing, but we all incontrovertably know that it will get us one day, so when things are stable it can be a bit unnerving. Since I had my right hip replaced in January 2008, because the cancer had spread to my bones and caused a pathological fracture, the scans have shown that the cancer has retreated or stayed stable. The recent blip where the ureter problem could have been progression has really been the only serious threat to that stability. So why do I feel guilty when I hear about the progression of other people's cancer?
The thing is that when you are told that your cancer is incurable it becomes fixed in your mind and there is an expectation that you will not be able to continue a normal life. Although my diagnosis with Stage II in September 2007 (which would have been Stage IV if they had listened to me) I met with calm acceptance. My mother had breast cancer when she was about 54 and had a mastectomy, but did not have a recurrance and died 15 years later of something unrelated. My expectation was that I would be the same and I was not really phased by this diagnosis. So I don't automatically consider cancer to be a death sentence even though I looked after a friend 8 years ago when she was terminally ill with stomach cancer. But to be told that your cancer is incurable is a whole other ball game, and it was one that was not so easy to adjust to, and in particular the concept that the oncologists are not trying to save your life; they are giving you palliative care as and when necessary. So the concept develops in your mind that your time is limited, but then time passes and you are still here and more than holding your own. This is bewildering and takes time to adjust to. All of us do this in different ways and there is no set way to do this, but this is something that no one tells you, and I for one felt like a wimp and a failure that I couldn't maintain an outward demeanor of being completely in control.
One of the first things I always tell anyone who has just been told they are Stage IV is that their sense of shock and dispair is completely normal. So maybe survivor guilt is also completely normal? Maybe especially for me who has had depression for many years and who has even begged God to let me die. I have no husband, no children, so why are people who have someone close and children dying while I stay alive? Is it because I have actually survived years of depression by having this inner streak of determination to just keep going? To keep on putting one foot in front of another? Maybe this is God's way of letting me know that I actually do value being alive by teaching me that there is a limit on how long I will live.
Let's face it, how many of us have really thought about this when we are younger? My father died when I was just about 18, my mother when I was 29, but they were the older generation. Time shows you that you become the next older generation eventually especially if you have a family who are spaced out so much in years. My younger neice is 17, I am 52, my mother would have been 91, and my father 113! One of my great-grandfather's was born in 1829. Until we are faced by our own mortality the future seems to be, well, just there stretching out in front of us. There is the feeling that certain things can be put off because we can do that next year, or the year after ... and on it goes.
I don't think that being Stage IV takes away your future so much as it brings focus to the present. It makes it more important not to waste time on things that will not inspire us; it makes you see the need to just cut the crap! But for those who have young children I feel as though they should have my extra time that the stats say I don't have. But there again maybe this is showing me that I ought to get some joy out of life by living for today.
The unpredictability of this disease is one of the difficult things to live with. I know that I looked at statistics when I first had access to the internet after my diagnosis and all it did was scare the b'Jesus out of myself. It is not a disease that has a specific time scale, "the fever will break on the third day" type of thing, but we all incontrovertably know that it will get us one day, so when things are stable it can be a bit unnerving. Since I had my right hip replaced in January 2008, because the cancer had spread to my bones and caused a pathological fracture, the scans have shown that the cancer has retreated or stayed stable. The recent blip where the ureter problem could have been progression has really been the only serious threat to that stability. So why do I feel guilty when I hear about the progression of other people's cancer?
The thing is that when you are told that your cancer is incurable it becomes fixed in your mind and there is an expectation that you will not be able to continue a normal life. Although my diagnosis with Stage II in September 2007 (which would have been Stage IV if they had listened to me) I met with calm acceptance. My mother had breast cancer when she was about 54 and had a mastectomy, but did not have a recurrance and died 15 years later of something unrelated. My expectation was that I would be the same and I was not really phased by this diagnosis. So I don't automatically consider cancer to be a death sentence even though I looked after a friend 8 years ago when she was terminally ill with stomach cancer. But to be told that your cancer is incurable is a whole other ball game, and it was one that was not so easy to adjust to, and in particular the concept that the oncologists are not trying to save your life; they are giving you palliative care as and when necessary. So the concept develops in your mind that your time is limited, but then time passes and you are still here and more than holding your own. This is bewildering and takes time to adjust to. All of us do this in different ways and there is no set way to do this, but this is something that no one tells you, and I for one felt like a wimp and a failure that I couldn't maintain an outward demeanor of being completely in control.
One of the first things I always tell anyone who has just been told they are Stage IV is that their sense of shock and dispair is completely normal. So maybe survivor guilt is also completely normal? Maybe especially for me who has had depression for many years and who has even begged God to let me die. I have no husband, no children, so why are people who have someone close and children dying while I stay alive? Is it because I have actually survived years of depression by having this inner streak of determination to just keep going? To keep on putting one foot in front of another? Maybe this is God's way of letting me know that I actually do value being alive by teaching me that there is a limit on how long I will live.
Let's face it, how many of us have really thought about this when we are younger? My father died when I was just about 18, my mother when I was 29, but they were the older generation. Time shows you that you become the next older generation eventually especially if you have a family who are spaced out so much in years. My younger neice is 17, I am 52, my mother would have been 91, and my father 113! One of my great-grandfather's was born in 1829. Until we are faced by our own mortality the future seems to be, well, just there stretching out in front of us. There is the feeling that certain things can be put off because we can do that next year, or the year after ... and on it goes.
I don't think that being Stage IV takes away your future so much as it brings focus to the present. It makes it more important not to waste time on things that will not inspire us; it makes you see the need to just cut the crap! But for those who have young children I feel as though they should have my extra time that the stats say I don't have. But there again maybe this is showing me that I ought to get some joy out of life by living for today.
Thursday, 5 July 2012
Clutter everywhere
I desparately need to de-clutter my world, but I am beginning to wonder if I have a resident Clutter Maker in the house because no matter how much I chuck out there just seems to be piles more of it. I turn my back for a couple of days and a pile has appeared where I had just discovered the surface of the piece of furniture. The really weird thing is that I don't buy many things, so where is it coming from? Why is it here? Dear old Clutter Maker just goes into overdrive some times. Does he think he is one of Santa's Little Helpers the day before Christmas who has missed an order of toys for the Big Day?
How on earth do some people manage to keep a neat and orderly house that looks like something out of a magazine? But, there again, I don't think that I would really want to live in a house like that. It must take a lot of effort to be that perfect and to be honest I just can't be bothered to waste my time trying to be perfect. Also, what is perfection in the eyes of one is not perfection to another. Think of all those beautiful people who still see only the imperfections when they look in the mirror. The thin people who think they are fat, or have put on a pound or two and think that is a huge problem. I can't remember which celebrity I saw a photo of recently, probably one of the many 'famous' people I have never heard of, and the thought came in to my mind of how difficult it must be for her to get older and lose that perfect face. It must be quite oppressive to be judged on how beautiful you are, and then to have to age ... though there is plastic surgery to help preserve your looks forever.
I suppose that for some people their house is an expression of their personal style and their social aspirations. For me it is the place where I live, though it is probably as much an extension of my personality as a perfect home. The strange thing is that at work I am very organised, but then that is a space which is easier to retain control over. As I have had to start clearing all my stuff out of the office I have been in for the last 7 years it has maybe surprised me a little that even here I have accumulated clutter. The thing is that I feel guilty about just disposing of things that could be of use in another place, or at another time. It was my parent's 'make do and mend' mentality, and the fact that as soon as I get rid of something I need it again. It is all the fault of that chap Sod who made a law some time ago!
Sunday is a good day for me to do some de-cluttering because the bin men come early on a Monday morning so I don't have the time to rethink my decision to dispose of certain items (I can hear the whispers from my parents "keep it, it might come in useful"). Half the battle is actually being able to get it out of the house and out of reach. Otherwise it can just moving itself from one place to another in a bid to look as though it could be of use to me in the future, and convince me that it should not be chucked out. Sneaky stuff this clutter.
Why do I collect recipes when I know that it is unlikely that I will get around to using them? Why do I keep buying books, when I already have a load that I haven't read yet?
Answers on a postcard...
How on earth do some people manage to keep a neat and orderly house that looks like something out of a magazine? But, there again, I don't think that I would really want to live in a house like that. It must take a lot of effort to be that perfect and to be honest I just can't be bothered to waste my time trying to be perfect. Also, what is perfection in the eyes of one is not perfection to another. Think of all those beautiful people who still see only the imperfections when they look in the mirror. The thin people who think they are fat, or have put on a pound or two and think that is a huge problem. I can't remember which celebrity I saw a photo of recently, probably one of the many 'famous' people I have never heard of, and the thought came in to my mind of how difficult it must be for her to get older and lose that perfect face. It must be quite oppressive to be judged on how beautiful you are, and then to have to age ... though there is plastic surgery to help preserve your looks forever.
I suppose that for some people their house is an expression of their personal style and their social aspirations. For me it is the place where I live, though it is probably as much an extension of my personality as a perfect home. The strange thing is that at work I am very organised, but then that is a space which is easier to retain control over. As I have had to start clearing all my stuff out of the office I have been in for the last 7 years it has maybe surprised me a little that even here I have accumulated clutter. The thing is that I feel guilty about just disposing of things that could be of use in another place, or at another time. It was my parent's 'make do and mend' mentality, and the fact that as soon as I get rid of something I need it again. It is all the fault of that chap Sod who made a law some time ago!
Sunday is a good day for me to do some de-cluttering because the bin men come early on a Monday morning so I don't have the time to rethink my decision to dispose of certain items (I can hear the whispers from my parents "keep it, it might come in useful"). Half the battle is actually being able to get it out of the house and out of reach. Otherwise it can just moving itself from one place to another in a bid to look as though it could be of use to me in the future, and convince me that it should not be chucked out. Sneaky stuff this clutter.
Why do I collect recipes when I know that it is unlikely that I will get around to using them? Why do I keep buying books, when I already have a load that I haven't read yet?
Answers on a postcard...
Humour. One day it's funny, the next it is not.
Humour is a very individual thing, but have you ever noticed how your sense of humour can change from day to day? The death of Eric Sykes made me start thinking about humour and how it can reflect our moods.
I remember watching Blazing Saddles once and crying with laughter in places; but on other occassions I have watched it and just thought how silly it is. There again, we have days where just about everything is amusing and that is not just the Fluoxitine talking! I do have some things that I can return to time and again and still find funny. The Key episode of Yes, Prime Minister is one of the ones that gets me every time, as do just about any of Sir Humphrey's tongue twisting monologues. How on earth he ever managed to remember them, I just don't know. There are jokes that always seem to be funny, even if a bit groan worthy. I love the jokes on the Penguin biscuit wrappers because they are so silly, and a bit like the Antarctic version of Christmas cracker jokes.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to see the funny side of things all the time? Sometimes I just get so lost in the stress of the moment that it can be hard to get out of it and see the funny side of anything. I was figuring out how little I would be earning from my new post at work, I figure I am going to be about 40% worse off when I already had a low paid job, but on the bright side I will not be paying income tax on it as it is below my personal allowance. I was starting to get a bit stressed out about it all and getting grumpy, in short getting into one of those situations that I find it difficult to snap out of. So I have been trying to remind myself that I don't really need that much in life. Food, pay my bills, I don't have a mortgage or rent to pay as I own my house and I live in a beautiful part of the world...is there really much more that each of us needs in life?
I remember watching Blazing Saddles once and crying with laughter in places; but on other occassions I have watched it and just thought how silly it is. There again, we have days where just about everything is amusing and that is not just the Fluoxitine talking! I do have some things that I can return to time and again and still find funny. The Key episode of Yes, Prime Minister is one of the ones that gets me every time, as do just about any of Sir Humphrey's tongue twisting monologues. How on earth he ever managed to remember them, I just don't know. There are jokes that always seem to be funny, even if a bit groan worthy. I love the jokes on the Penguin biscuit wrappers because they are so silly, and a bit like the Antarctic version of Christmas cracker jokes.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to see the funny side of things all the time? Sometimes I just get so lost in the stress of the moment that it can be hard to get out of it and see the funny side of anything. I was figuring out how little I would be earning from my new post at work, I figure I am going to be about 40% worse off when I already had a low paid job, but on the bright side I will not be paying income tax on it as it is below my personal allowance. I was starting to get a bit stressed out about it all and getting grumpy, in short getting into one of those situations that I find it difficult to snap out of. So I have been trying to remind myself that I don't really need that much in life. Food, pay my bills, I don't have a mortgage or rent to pay as I own my house and I live in a beautiful part of the world...is there really much more that each of us needs in life?
Wednesday, 4 July 2012
It's the Fourth of July - Independence Day
Happy Independence Day to the United States of America. Hope you all have a great day if you are celebrating with others, or a quiet day if you are chilling out instead.
When the 13 states declared UDI from the Crown they decided that they were going to do things a bit differently from the 'mother' country. They got rid of things that they thought they no longer needed and declared that it was going to be a new country, based on many principles from the old, but with their own twist. Of course things have not always gone smoothly, and the view of what the Declaration of Independence means now is different from those who wrote it, because society has moved on and what is considered to be right and wrong have changed. Some of those who wrote the Declaration were slave owners who didn't necessarily see it as being wrong. Today is is astonishing, to me at least, that anyone could have thought that was right but you can't really judge the past by the attitudes of the present.
I think that many of us must feel that cancer has forced us to declare Independence from the person that we were before our diagnosis. It is not necessarily an independence that we would have wanted, or that we aspired to, as maybe it didn't necessarily suit all those living in the 13 States. Some decided to remain British and left for the home land, or Canada etc. but others adapted, with or without complete enthusiam. But they all would have had to alter their way of life to accomodate their new reality. We have done the same because our lives will never be the same, but we do need to embrace the changes that are forced on us.
When such a change takes place I believe we have to change or give up. I don't think that any of us can go on the in the same way as before because, certainly if you are Stage IV, there is no real promise of things being the same again. There is no expectation of 'after treatment is finished'. I have not had to have very intense treatment since my diagnosis, just a couple of hip replacements and a continuation of hormonal treatment with bisphosphonates to strengthen my bones (Femara and Zoledronic Acid, aka Zometa, if you want to be technical). It is the expectation of a future stretching out in front of you, and which you take completely for granted that has gone. It makes you think.
On one level this can be liberating because I no longer have to really worry about the future. I used to wonder what I would do when I got very old or when I retired and in some ways that was unsettling and scary. What I also realised was how much of the present moment I was wasting worrying about the future! Why? Why do any of us do this? What is the point of worrying about something over which we have no control and which might never be? We have no idea what is going to happen between now and being 60, or 70, or 80... We do have some idea what is going to happen today because we have a certain amount of control over it. I think I have managed to adapt to my new reality. That is not to say that it has been an easy, or a smooth path. There have been many tears and moments of dispair and these can still occur in my life; but I have come to accept them and realise that I also need to experience those bad moments to be able to get to the calmer moments of contentment and happiness. We should all declare independence from our former lives, which does not mean forgetting and rejecting everything that we have experienced but accepting the new state and embracing it and all the potential that it holds.
When the 13 states declared UDI from the Crown they decided that they were going to do things a bit differently from the 'mother' country. They got rid of things that they thought they no longer needed and declared that it was going to be a new country, based on many principles from the old, but with their own twist. Of course things have not always gone smoothly, and the view of what the Declaration of Independence means now is different from those who wrote it, because society has moved on and what is considered to be right and wrong have changed. Some of those who wrote the Declaration were slave owners who didn't necessarily see it as being wrong. Today is is astonishing, to me at least, that anyone could have thought that was right but you can't really judge the past by the attitudes of the present.
I think that many of us must feel that cancer has forced us to declare Independence from the person that we were before our diagnosis. It is not necessarily an independence that we would have wanted, or that we aspired to, as maybe it didn't necessarily suit all those living in the 13 States. Some decided to remain British and left for the home land, or Canada etc. but others adapted, with or without complete enthusiam. But they all would have had to alter their way of life to accomodate their new reality. We have done the same because our lives will never be the same, but we do need to embrace the changes that are forced on us.
When such a change takes place I believe we have to change or give up. I don't think that any of us can go on the in the same way as before because, certainly if you are Stage IV, there is no real promise of things being the same again. There is no expectation of 'after treatment is finished'. I have not had to have very intense treatment since my diagnosis, just a couple of hip replacements and a continuation of hormonal treatment with bisphosphonates to strengthen my bones (Femara and Zoledronic Acid, aka Zometa, if you want to be technical). It is the expectation of a future stretching out in front of you, and which you take completely for granted that has gone. It makes you think.
On one level this can be liberating because I no longer have to really worry about the future. I used to wonder what I would do when I got very old or when I retired and in some ways that was unsettling and scary. What I also realised was how much of the present moment I was wasting worrying about the future! Why? Why do any of us do this? What is the point of worrying about something over which we have no control and which might never be? We have no idea what is going to happen between now and being 60, or 70, or 80... We do have some idea what is going to happen today because we have a certain amount of control over it. I think I have managed to adapt to my new reality. That is not to say that it has been an easy, or a smooth path. There have been many tears and moments of dispair and these can still occur in my life; but I have come to accept them and realise that I also need to experience those bad moments to be able to get to the calmer moments of contentment and happiness. We should all declare independence from our former lives, which does not mean forgetting and rejecting everything that we have experienced but accepting the new state and embracing it and all the potential that it holds.
Monday, 2 July 2012
100th Post - reflections on work
I guess this ought to be something earth shattering as my blog moves into triple numbers with the 100th post. It should be about looking forward to a brave new future with a new job, but I have doubts that I feel that confident about the future which is, I suppose, why I do not really focus on it very much.
There are a couple of things that have made me feel a bit more reflective recently. One is that I have been told that I have to clear my stuff out of the office where I have worked for the last 6 years as someone else will be taking over the office now that the Attendance Team, as such, is to be dismantled. It feels rather strange to be doing this because I don't know where I will be moved to, or even if I will have a permanent place to work from. Where will I be able to put down my teapot and mug? Where will I be able to keep my organic green tea? Where can I keep a few bits and bobs?
If I don't have anywhere then in some ways it will be quite nice. Everyone knows that I keep my stock of envelopes etc replenished, and consequently they are always coming to ask if I have such and such. Well in future they will have to make the effort to go and get it for themselves. When I got back to work after my recent bout of depression I inevitably found that everything had been used up and not replaced, so one of the first things I had to do was go down to Reprographics to restock because those who have no problem walking can't be bothered to do so. It has however made me get rid of some junk that has been hanging around because I might need it some time. Well actually, no I won't, and today I wasn't feeling in the mood to pass stuff on to others in my area but returned envelopes I won't need to Repro. In some ways it has been a bit unsettling as I feel a little bit as though I am just being chucked out because in the future I will be the lowest of the low in the area, and on the lowest pay grade and with my hours cut by a third.
The other thing that makes me a bit reflective is wondering what the future at work holds. None of us really feel that the management who have masterminded the restructure really have much of an idea what they are going to do with us all now that this has been achieved. I don't think this has unsettled me as much as it has other people. To a certain extent I just go with the flow a bit these days, but almost inevitably you pick up vibes from others in the area. I have been trying to convince them that it is up to our employer to tell us what they want us to do, and to train us to do it; but the whole not knowing what will be going on is really starting to get to us. In someways it is not as immediate for me as it is for others as they will be rolling straight from their current to their new posts on 1 August, whereas I won't be back until the beginning of the new academic year, after the end of the staff training day next week. But still it makes me wonder if I will be able to do the new job, whatever exactly it is, and whether I really want to do it. Do I need this hassle?
A major part of my job will be phoning students and parents about any attendance issues. Do I have the temperament to do this? Do I really want to listen to their angst about various issues? In so many ways I can understand why so many students get anxiety and depression, but I also know that it is the student themself who is the only one who can really do anything to control the problem. After all I stopped going to school when I was 14 years old because of depression, but in the mid-seventies there really wasn't any help and support, whereas now they seem to have it coming at them from all directions. In some ways that angers me because I feel that I was deserted by my 'friends', who completely forgot that I existed, and by the education authorities. I don't want the learners at college to end up as I did because I don't think that enough is done to make them realise that they are not alone, and face the fact they are the ones who have to deal with this. No one else can do it for them. At University in my 40s I began to have another breakdown, but this time there were counsellors to talk to and it was only then that I realised that I was not the only one who had that kind of experience at school. In fact I was about 40 before I became aware that there was such as thing as school phobia, and that it was a recognised problem. When I stopped going to school it destroyed my life in so many ways and it took me 25 years to get the courage to try to get the qualifications to get to university.
It is a classic case of 'if I had only known then, what I know now'! I feel that the students are now being isolated in a different way, by laws of confidentiality and giving them too much control over what others should, or should not, know. I feel they are also being let down by there not being a central place where staff can go to find this information because different people record things in different ways and different places of the student's record. They want the best of both worlds, that no one should know, but then they and their parents get upset when no one knows that they have a problem.
One thing that I really feel quite passionately could be of great help is Mindfulness Meditation as a coping strategy. I have actually even considered offering to teach this. I have found it to be such a profoundly useful technique that it should be passed on. Also I feel that if there was a way for them to find out other students in the same position it may help to decrease their isolation, and thereby their anxiety and depression. I know that the sense of isolation of being Stage IV is very difficult. I really wish there were others who have mets that I could speak to about this whole thing. Forums are really helpful, but they are not quite the same thing as the immediacy of talking face to face with someone experiencing the same thing. However this doesn't seem to be a very British thing to do.
So there you are. I am a bit adrift at the moment, but in the end I just can't allow myself to focus on this too much because it is the here and now that matters...and I need to get to bed. I have work in the morning.
There are a couple of things that have made me feel a bit more reflective recently. One is that I have been told that I have to clear my stuff out of the office where I have worked for the last 6 years as someone else will be taking over the office now that the Attendance Team, as such, is to be dismantled. It feels rather strange to be doing this because I don't know where I will be moved to, or even if I will have a permanent place to work from. Where will I be able to put down my teapot and mug? Where will I be able to keep my organic green tea? Where can I keep a few bits and bobs?
If I don't have anywhere then in some ways it will be quite nice. Everyone knows that I keep my stock of envelopes etc replenished, and consequently they are always coming to ask if I have such and such. Well in future they will have to make the effort to go and get it for themselves. When I got back to work after my recent bout of depression I inevitably found that everything had been used up and not replaced, so one of the first things I had to do was go down to Reprographics to restock because those who have no problem walking can't be bothered to do so. It has however made me get rid of some junk that has been hanging around because I might need it some time. Well actually, no I won't, and today I wasn't feeling in the mood to pass stuff on to others in my area but returned envelopes I won't need to Repro. In some ways it has been a bit unsettling as I feel a little bit as though I am just being chucked out because in the future I will be the lowest of the low in the area, and on the lowest pay grade and with my hours cut by a third.
The other thing that makes me a bit reflective is wondering what the future at work holds. None of us really feel that the management who have masterminded the restructure really have much of an idea what they are going to do with us all now that this has been achieved. I don't think this has unsettled me as much as it has other people. To a certain extent I just go with the flow a bit these days, but almost inevitably you pick up vibes from others in the area. I have been trying to convince them that it is up to our employer to tell us what they want us to do, and to train us to do it; but the whole not knowing what will be going on is really starting to get to us. In someways it is not as immediate for me as it is for others as they will be rolling straight from their current to their new posts on 1 August, whereas I won't be back until the beginning of the new academic year, after the end of the staff training day next week. But still it makes me wonder if I will be able to do the new job, whatever exactly it is, and whether I really want to do it. Do I need this hassle?
A major part of my job will be phoning students and parents about any attendance issues. Do I have the temperament to do this? Do I really want to listen to their angst about various issues? In so many ways I can understand why so many students get anxiety and depression, but I also know that it is the student themself who is the only one who can really do anything to control the problem. After all I stopped going to school when I was 14 years old because of depression, but in the mid-seventies there really wasn't any help and support, whereas now they seem to have it coming at them from all directions. In some ways that angers me because I feel that I was deserted by my 'friends', who completely forgot that I existed, and by the education authorities. I don't want the learners at college to end up as I did because I don't think that enough is done to make them realise that they are not alone, and face the fact they are the ones who have to deal with this. No one else can do it for them. At University in my 40s I began to have another breakdown, but this time there were counsellors to talk to and it was only then that I realised that I was not the only one who had that kind of experience at school. In fact I was about 40 before I became aware that there was such as thing as school phobia, and that it was a recognised problem. When I stopped going to school it destroyed my life in so many ways and it took me 25 years to get the courage to try to get the qualifications to get to university.
It is a classic case of 'if I had only known then, what I know now'! I feel that the students are now being isolated in a different way, by laws of confidentiality and giving them too much control over what others should, or should not, know. I feel they are also being let down by there not being a central place where staff can go to find this information because different people record things in different ways and different places of the student's record. They want the best of both worlds, that no one should know, but then they and their parents get upset when no one knows that they have a problem.
One thing that I really feel quite passionately could be of great help is Mindfulness Meditation as a coping strategy. I have actually even considered offering to teach this. I have found it to be such a profoundly useful technique that it should be passed on. Also I feel that if there was a way for them to find out other students in the same position it may help to decrease their isolation, and thereby their anxiety and depression. I know that the sense of isolation of being Stage IV is very difficult. I really wish there were others who have mets that I could speak to about this whole thing. Forums are really helpful, but they are not quite the same thing as the immediacy of talking face to face with someone experiencing the same thing. However this doesn't seem to be a very British thing to do.
So there you are. I am a bit adrift at the moment, but in the end I just can't allow myself to focus on this too much because it is the here and now that matters...and I need to get to bed. I have work in the morning.
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