Each of us has to find a way of dealing with a diagnosis of metastastic breast cancer, or metastatic any cancer for that matter. I think we have all been there with the OMG I'm going to die, and I for one went through a long period of being angry and not really knowing where to turn. I live alone. I don't really have close friends around me and my brother and his family are always too busy, especially now that my niece is about to have their first grandbaby. I am sure that they would be there for me in the event of an emergency, well my sister-in-law would, but sometimes you just need people around you to remind you that ordinary life still goes on and also to just readjust your train of thought and get you to concentrate on something different, something mundane. When your mind gets hold of something it can be really difficult to alter the way you are thinking without some sort of external distraction and stimulation and sometimes the trivial is just what you need to snap you out of it..
That may be one reason that I have come to rely so much on having a computer and internet access. This has really been brought home to me because on Sunday morning I went down stairs to put some washing on and came back to find that my computer was ... dead. Just the flicking of the light to show that the monitor was still working but the main part of the PC was just gone, silent, vacant!
I have been working on a project to try and find the name and obituary of as many of my on-line friends and those who use one of the same forums as I do. These are the people who just know where I am coming from. These are the people you don't have to try and explain things to. These are the people who know what it is like in the wee small hours of the morning when your mind is racing in any direction except in the direction of peace, contentment and sleep. I really miss being able to go into my 'office' and log on at any time of day and see what is going on somewhere else in the world. I have a netbook which I am using at the moment, but I don't like the lap-top style keyboard, and earlier this week I finally fired the finger mouse and got out an old mouse mouse to use. Oh the joys of clicking and scrolling!
The problem is also partially my internet connection and I am in the middle of changing providers in the hope that things will improve and I won't get the incessant Internet Explorer Has Stopped Working notification which makes me just give up some times. I was trying to create a group on facebook yesterday and managed at the fourth or fifth attempt, which was going to be my last try before giving up on the whole idea. Essentially I suppose, I have become one of those sad individuals who is addicted to the internet and their forums. They are my friends and companions and my blogs are my way of being able to express my thoughts, on my opinions for right or wrong. I hope someone can breathe new life into my PC soon ...