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Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Days when I get tired of breast cancer

There are days when I just get fed-up with breast cancer.  When I wish that I could do the things I used to be able to do.  I wish I could walk faster; have more energy; not have that feeling that I will never see something again; that I could just do more.

Although I saw the things that I wanted to see in Cambridge today I wasn't really able to just wander around like I used to be able to do.  To spend hours in a museum getting lost in the exhibits and not having to think about walking up the stairs, or just knowing that I need to keep going because standing still is causing me problems.  For instance I had a moment of panic when I was trying to find the car park where I had left Kermit (my car is bright green and reminds me of a frog ... hence Kermit) and as it was late and I was tired I was beginning to wonder if I would find it, and how much energy it might take if I had to walk along another road to find the entrance.  In the end I didn't have to go too far, but that worry is there when I go somewhere I don't know.  But in the end I am not going to let it stop me from doing the things that I want to do.  To see places that I have never seen before; after all I have a very long bucket list.

Sometime I just straight out wish that this damned disease would just get on with it and kill me off, but that is where the stubborn Vicki comes out of the woodwork and refuses to allow that to happen.  It is fast approaching 5 years since my diagnosis of breast cancer, and in January it will be five years since they finally recognised that my cancer was Stage IV.  Maybe one of the reasons that I enjoyed the Olympics so much is that I recognise the determination, dedication and self belief that it takes to succeed when they tell you that something just can't be achieved.  When I first looked at the stats for survival with Stage IV BC I didn't think that I would make it to Christmas ... but I'm still standing.  I'm even wondering if I should start saving to go to the next Olympics in Rio!

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