Are you kidneying me?

I am no closer to knowing what the problem is with the ureter of my left kidney.  This kidney is slightly enlarged, though the ultrasound scan results did show that I have some kidney stones (no kidneying, could have told them that) one about 6mm.  This problem has been showing up for quite a while, but it was only on the CT scan that I had on 28 March 2012 that it showed that it is actually effecting the kidney itself.

The CT scan was done while I was in hospital with an infection caused by my PICC line and I was told that it was important that I stay in to have a special scan the following Monday or Tuesday.  Then suddenly on the Saturday it was 'you can be discharged' as urology is not particularly interested.  Now two months later I will have the scan that they could have done then, and two months have been wasted to deal with a problem that the CT scan identified as possibly being 'disease', by which I assume them mean a progression of my cancer.

This hanging over my head, along with the probability of being made redundant from the place I have worked in since 1 October 1984 has been the root cause of my recent depression.  I have, however, almost certainly decided to take the voluntary redundancy package as I really don't want to work there any more.  However, who would employ me, in the current economic climate?  My employer already makes me apply for Special Leave to go for my cancer clinic and treatments, and now they are introducing a system whereby you have to have a meeting with your line manager if you have even one day off sick; so even if I did apply for one of the new roles on offer I really don't think they would give me any serious consideration.

In some ways I am relieved.  I don't like letting my colleagues down by being off work, and this is also having a detrimental effect on my health.  I need to be putting myself first and maybe this is the nudge that I need to do so.  After all I keep telling others that life is all about me, me, me, me, me.  Maybe I am actually the one who needs to be putting this into action!