I was not really looking forward to it as I don't think I do well in interviews, but then again I haven't had many as I have worked in the same place for so long. The whole process is a bit daft really as I think they have already decided who they do, or do not, want and the idea that they have to give us priority for these jobs is rubbish.
In the end I think that it went quite well, although I was getting very nervous just before especially as they were running late which somehow makes waiting seem longer. I managed to keep myself calm and reminded myself that I could only do my best at that particular time, and just be myself. It is always the waiting that is the worst; that feeling as though you should just run away from the whole thing and hide somewhere. Anyway I will find out on Thursday how it has gone and whether I got the job. I must say that I feel rather neutral about the whole thing now. It is over and done with and I don't think I will be too upset if the answer is no. It is quite difficult to get much enthusiasm about the whole thing as it will all be very different in the new academic year and a lot of it seems to be a matter of trial and error. Pretty sure that we minnions will get the blame if it doesn't work out ok as management always seems to slide out of the firing line.
It is really just a shame that our little attendance team is just being dismantled and thrown away as though we are useless. I really don't think that management has much of an idea what we do. We have been administering a couple of student allowances, Education Maintenance Allowance (EMA) for 16 - 18 year olds, and the Adult Learning Grant (ALG) for 19+ students and the government have now decided to abolish them. The administration of the EMA and ALG have always, and wrongly in my opinion, overshadowed the Attendance part of the job so that the powers that be seem to think we will not have much to do next year. In reality the EMA and ALG only take up a small part of what we do. But the decision has been made and there is nothing we can do about it now. They say there will be new attendance tracking systems next year, but those of us in attendance know nothing about them so I have no idea how good they will be...time will tell.
I actually wore some 'high' heeled shoes for the interview yesterday. That is high to me, all one inch of them! I got them for Vicky's wedding a month ago and thought that I ought to make a bit of an effort and dress a bit more smartly than normal. Anyway all my other shoes are really ragged and I didn't know whether the panel would be able to see them during the interview as the only clonkers might give a bad impression. I wasn't going to go over the top and wear a suit mainly because I don't have one, or anything else that could really be remotely thought of as power dressy. When I wore the new shoes of the wedding I was really stiff and found walking difficult the next day, but this time I have adjusted a bit better, partly because I consciously made myself keep my feet in a better position. I usually wear special insoles, but the new shoes aren't big enought to take them, at least until I have worn them in well!
Saturday, 16 June 2012
Wednesday, 13 June 2012
Kidney scan today
When I eventually got home last night (reflexology after work - bliss) I found an answerphone message from nuclear medicine at the hospital, saying they had booked me in for a scan on my kidney at 9.30 this morning (13 June 2012). That left me with a bit of a problem as today I was due to have my admin test for my job application...so I went into work this morning before 8am and checked up with the hospital whether this was still in place, as I had not been able to confirm that I could attend. I also needed to find out if I needed to fast etc - just drink lots of water. It is confusing that different scans have different preparation, and as I hadn't got the information to hand I though I ought to check. Not much point in turning up for the scan only to be sent away for doing the wrong thing.
The nurse who did the radio-active injection was so gentle that I couldn't even tell she had put the needle in, and in spite of the fact that she needed two attempts. I am so used to the 'sharp scratch' and hunting for the vein which has decided not to play nicely, that I am not used to such a gentle approach. Scan was ok, though I have to say that lying on that god forsaken bench has upset my left hip, which has been doing very well since acupuncture last week. Grrrr.
I should get the results when I have my regular chemo clinic appointment on 26 June, so I can only hope that the results will be on the more positive side.
Rolled into college at 11.30, in plenty of time for the admin test in the afternoon. Can't say it went too well as I had a mental blank about how to do a mail merge. I had some training on it a couple of years ago, but I haven't used it since. Some of the other ladies doing the test use it all the time, so they would have been ok. I only had to do the one test for my post, but some of the ladies had about two and a half hours of tests to do; and the tests were not the same as we had been lead to believe they would be. Those who did the Excel part had to do formulas, although we had been told that there would be none; and none of us had to do an internet search, though we were all supposed to do that. The powers that be really have no idea what they are doing...now why was it that I didn't take voluntary redundancy again?
The nurse who did the radio-active injection was so gentle that I couldn't even tell she had put the needle in, and in spite of the fact that she needed two attempts. I am so used to the 'sharp scratch' and hunting for the vein which has decided not to play nicely, that I am not used to such a gentle approach. Scan was ok, though I have to say that lying on that god forsaken bench has upset my left hip, which has been doing very well since acupuncture last week. Grrrr.
I should get the results when I have my regular chemo clinic appointment on 26 June, so I can only hope that the results will be on the more positive side.
Rolled into college at 11.30, in plenty of time for the admin test in the afternoon. Can't say it went too well as I had a mental blank about how to do a mail merge. I had some training on it a couple of years ago, but I haven't used it since. Some of the other ladies doing the test use it all the time, so they would have been ok. I only had to do the one test for my post, but some of the ladies had about two and a half hours of tests to do; and the tests were not the same as we had been lead to believe they would be. Those who did the Excel part had to do formulas, although we had been told that there would be none; and none of us had to do an internet search, though we were all supposed to do that. The powers that be really have no idea what they are doing...now why was it that I didn't take voluntary redundancy again?
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
Hi ho, hi ho and back to work I go
Well I managed to survive my first day back at work after my recent 'blip' and it was quite nice to be back. I got there early to find that, as usual, everyone else had used up my stash of paper, envelopes etc so I had to go to reprographics to replenish my stocks. I was starting to get really annoyed about it all, then just thought 'why bother'? Not worth allowing yourself to get wound up about it, it's just the same old thing. Had a nice chat with Trish while I was in repro, and when I got home this evening there was a card from her saying she missed me.
I was told that I have an interview for the Attendance Advisor post which will be on Friday, with an admin test tomorrow. I think I am the only person who has applied for these two posts so I might get it, but I'm not overly worried if I don't. They may have decided to wipe the slate completely clean when it comes to attendance, so I could still be made redundant. Again, I am just going with the flow.
In some ways it felt as though I had never been away, though I did have a sticky few moments wondering if I had done the letters correctly. Mental block really, but it is a bit like riding a bike and I was soon peddling away with confidence. I have to say that it was rather nice to spend a day with people because when I am not at work I don't do that very often. It was also rather nice to see that my colleagues were glad to have me back. I can be do grouchy some times that I tend to think that everyone hates me but most of the time I can pass for a person rather than a troll - on a good day.
Now I just have to try and get back into some sort of a routine and to that end I have decided to move my soya milk making to the end of the day, rather than in the morning. That way I will have fresh milk for my smoothie in the morning and a hot drink at night to lull me to sleep. I have to get back into the routine of taking a lunch in with me which is usually a big fresh salad with hummous or canned salmon, tuna or chick peas. A cold lunch is the easiest as I don't like to microwave food, and I don't have to worry about trying to keep it warm if I get distracted from the task of eating. I have been trying to make sure that I leave my desk at lunch time and go to the staff room with colleagues for a chat, rather than eating while working through my lunch break. Not good for the digestion.
So tomorrow is another day at the grindstone :o)
I was told that I have an interview for the Attendance Advisor post which will be on Friday, with an admin test tomorrow. I think I am the only person who has applied for these two posts so I might get it, but I'm not overly worried if I don't. They may have decided to wipe the slate completely clean when it comes to attendance, so I could still be made redundant. Again, I am just going with the flow.
In some ways it felt as though I had never been away, though I did have a sticky few moments wondering if I had done the letters correctly. Mental block really, but it is a bit like riding a bike and I was soon peddling away with confidence. I have to say that it was rather nice to spend a day with people because when I am not at work I don't do that very often. It was also rather nice to see that my colleagues were glad to have me back. I can be do grouchy some times that I tend to think that everyone hates me but most of the time I can pass for a person rather than a troll - on a good day.
Now I just have to try and get back into some sort of a routine and to that end I have decided to move my soya milk making to the end of the day, rather than in the morning. That way I will have fresh milk for my smoothie in the morning and a hot drink at night to lull me to sleep. I have to get back into the routine of taking a lunch in with me which is usually a big fresh salad with hummous or canned salmon, tuna or chick peas. A cold lunch is the easiest as I don't like to microwave food, and I don't have to worry about trying to keep it warm if I get distracted from the task of eating. I have been trying to make sure that I leave my desk at lunch time and go to the staff room with colleagues for a chat, rather than eating while working through my lunch break. Not good for the digestion.
So tomorrow is another day at the grindstone :o)
Monday, 11 June 2012
I have gone with the application...and going back to work
After a lot of thought I have decided to go ahead with the application for the Attendance Advisor post. I have done this for social reasons, rather than any dedication to my employer. I have been off work with depression for a few weeks (though I wouldn't have been at work anyway last week as it was half term) and I have decided that it is time I got off my sorry posterior and got on with things.
I have contacted the college today and they have agreed that I can return to work tomorrow. Usually they insist that I have to produce a fit for work form from my GP, but I mentioned that I was told by an advisor that I can return when I feel up to it. No more comments from the HR (human remains) department about getting medical clearance.
I don't have a lot of contact with people when I am not at work (excuse me, kettle boiling) ... and living on my own does not help. As with my approach to living with cancer I just have to allow myself some down time and then pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with it. Being on my own I am not high on the list of priorities for others, even my brother and family who live locally. That is really the way it should be, but there are times when I just need others to communicate with so I can break the cycle of bad thought patterns. It doesn't need to be a deep conversation, just something to refocus my mind at the right time. I feel that if I contact friends or family that I will become a nuisance and they will then want to have less to do with me than they do now. Also I am an adult and I should be able to get on with things and behave like a responsible adult, sometimes.
I have never quite been sure whether this journey is easier for those of us on our own, or for those with immediate family. If you have people directly in your life it is easier to maintain motivation for living (which is something that I lack at times) and you have others to consider, do things for and with, and interact with. That is something that I only have at work. One the down side it must be difficult to have to maintain a sense of normality when things aren't going well, and knowing what an immediate impact those times have on others. There again, there is no perfect way of living your life whether or not you have cancer, or whether or not you have others in your immediate life. I know from my own experience of being a carer for others that it can be difficult to accept the ill health of another. There are times when we all wish we could just be normal again; but there again, what is normal?
I grew up with a father who had emphysema and who died a couple of weeks after my 18th birthday. This experience at least gave me a basic understanding that living with a chronic illness is still living. Just because someone has a life-limiting disease does not mean that they cease to be a person, and a person who has to be treated differently. Maybe that is why so many of us feel that it is difficult to talk about having a chronic illness as others tend to change the subject / not want to have to deal with it at all and you never see them again / or feel that you need to be treated differently. It is like shouting at someone who is hard of hearing, or actually deaf. Turning up the volume at which you speak is not necessarily going to allow them to understand what you are saying, whereas projecting your voice and speaking clearly may get the message over. It is a different technique to achieve the same ends. Having a chronic illness is a constant condition of the body, but it does not have to be a constant condition of the mind. Mind over matter? Not sure it is anywhere near that simple, but even with a chronic illness you are still living, so life does go on; and as I said before, what exactly is normal?
I have contacted the college today and they have agreed that I can return to work tomorrow. Usually they insist that I have to produce a fit for work form from my GP, but I mentioned that I was told by an advisor that I can return when I feel up to it. No more comments from the HR (human remains) department about getting medical clearance.
I don't have a lot of contact with people when I am not at work (excuse me, kettle boiling) ... and living on my own does not help. As with my approach to living with cancer I just have to allow myself some down time and then pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with it. Being on my own I am not high on the list of priorities for others, even my brother and family who live locally. That is really the way it should be, but there are times when I just need others to communicate with so I can break the cycle of bad thought patterns. It doesn't need to be a deep conversation, just something to refocus my mind at the right time. I feel that if I contact friends or family that I will become a nuisance and they will then want to have less to do with me than they do now. Also I am an adult and I should be able to get on with things and behave like a responsible adult, sometimes.
I have never quite been sure whether this journey is easier for those of us on our own, or for those with immediate family. If you have people directly in your life it is easier to maintain motivation for living (which is something that I lack at times) and you have others to consider, do things for and with, and interact with. That is something that I only have at work. One the down side it must be difficult to have to maintain a sense of normality when things aren't going well, and knowing what an immediate impact those times have on others. There again, there is no perfect way of living your life whether or not you have cancer, or whether or not you have others in your immediate life. I know from my own experience of being a carer for others that it can be difficult to accept the ill health of another. There are times when we all wish we could just be normal again; but there again, what is normal?
I grew up with a father who had emphysema and who died a couple of weeks after my 18th birthday. This experience at least gave me a basic understanding that living with a chronic illness is still living. Just because someone has a life-limiting disease does not mean that they cease to be a person, and a person who has to be treated differently. Maybe that is why so many of us feel that it is difficult to talk about having a chronic illness as others tend to change the subject / not want to have to deal with it at all and you never see them again / or feel that you need to be treated differently. It is like shouting at someone who is hard of hearing, or actually deaf. Turning up the volume at which you speak is not necessarily going to allow them to understand what you are saying, whereas projecting your voice and speaking clearly may get the message over. It is a different technique to achieve the same ends. Having a chronic illness is a constant condition of the body, but it does not have to be a constant condition of the mind. Mind over matter? Not sure it is anywhere near that simple, but even with a chronic illness you are still living, so life does go on; and as I said before, what exactly is normal?
Sunday, 10 June 2012
Decisions, decisions, decisions
Visited my aunt over the holiday weekend and went to the English Music Festival in the Abbey at Dorchester on Thames, and watched some of the Diamond Jubilee events. I got home on Monday to find a letter from my employer about the end of the consultation period for the reorganisation of my area of the support staff administrators.
Now I have to make a decision about whether to apply for one of the new jobs, or take voluntary redundancy. If I don't get one of the jobs I will then be made redundant anyway ... so do I jump? Or do I wait to get pushed? Some of the suggestions put by us in an alternative bid were taken up and put into the final recommendation, but I am still not convinced that they are enough to make me apply for one of the new jobs. I have just e-mailed off my application for the post of Attendance Advisor, which is basically what I do at the moment, but a third less hours and therefore a third less pay as well as stupid working hours. Not convinced that redundancy is not my best option but at least the application has been logged. It is now about 10 past midnight on 11 June 2012, and a decision about voluntary redundancy has to be made by 11am, and job applications put in by 4pm. At least the application is in...now to sleep on the decision of whether to go for the voluntary redundancy or leave it as it is at the moment.
The thing is...as I have no definate answer about the possible progression of my cancer do I waste time applying for a job that I may not be able to do in a few months time. Also my middle manager at work has commented about the amount of time I have had off this year, so are they really going to seriously consider my application for this new post?
Just leave it Victoria and go to bed and get some sleep............
Now I have to make a decision about whether to apply for one of the new jobs, or take voluntary redundancy. If I don't get one of the jobs I will then be made redundant anyway ... so do I jump? Or do I wait to get pushed? Some of the suggestions put by us in an alternative bid were taken up and put into the final recommendation, but I am still not convinced that they are enough to make me apply for one of the new jobs. I have just e-mailed off my application for the post of Attendance Advisor, which is basically what I do at the moment, but a third less hours and therefore a third less pay as well as stupid working hours. Not convinced that redundancy is not my best option but at least the application has been logged. It is now about 10 past midnight on 11 June 2012, and a decision about voluntary redundancy has to be made by 11am, and job applications put in by 4pm. At least the application is in...now to sleep on the decision of whether to go for the voluntary redundancy or leave it as it is at the moment.
The thing is...as I have no definate answer about the possible progression of my cancer do I waste time applying for a job that I may not be able to do in a few months time. Also my middle manager at work has commented about the amount of time I have had off this year, so are they really going to seriously consider my application for this new post?
Just leave it Victoria and go to bed and get some sleep............
Saturday, 9 June 2012
Mood swings - the good, the bad and the ugly
One thing about being diagnosed with incurable cancer is that it puts a microscope on you emotions. At first it is like being on a roller coaster, and one which seems to be going down in the dark with no end in sight, and very little going up into the day light to a safe place where you can rest and catch your breath for a while. No matter how much any of us try we will never get off this ride, but with a bit of practice I have reached times when it is a bit more like the revolving tea cups where you can control how much the cup spins even though it is still going round and round.
There are those who say you have to be 'POSITIVE' (in capital letters, rather than shouting) all the time, as though one negative thought will make the cancer grow out of control and destroy any good in anything else you may have done that day. If this is the approach that gets you through the day, then fine; but to me it seems to be a bit punative. It is a bit like thinking you have to stick to the anti-cancer diet of your choice absolutely, and if you eat anything that you know you shouldn't be eating then everything will be negated. Really it is all about doing the best that you can in any particular moment.
One thing I have learned over the years of having depression in my life is that I need to go with the flow. There are times that I just really need to have a good cry and let out the pent up emotions, hormones, whatever, so I can get some balance back into my life and save what is left of my sanity. It is like a build up of water behind a dam, if you don't allow any release in some sort of a controlled manner you have a disaster in the making. Think Dambusters! When the bomb landed in the right place it caused the dam to be breached, but if it didn't get the right spot the problem would dissipate relatively harmlessly. Some where along the line recently one of those bombs got right up against my wall and blew my mind for a while, but I am getting back to where the bombs aren't hitting that spot and the impact is not causing any cracks. There needs to be release, not collapse; there needs to be some sort of control that can allow my focus to come back to where I want to be.
At the beginning of last year I did a course about Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction that was run as a trail by the hospital where I have my treatment. That taught me a technique of constantly regaining control by being able to bring focus back to my breathing. Just normal breathing, nothing yogic, no deep control, just ordinary breathing while noticing that the air being taken is in cooler than the air as it comes out. This is a microscope focused on my emotions that I am using, not the one I mentioned at the beginning of this post which feels as though it is broadcasting those emotions to the world via a link to a giant screen. My personal microscope allows see that right here and right now I am ok, and my breathing can allow my mind and body to relax and gain control over the here and now.
It is more about having confidence in myself to be able to deal with things, and allowing myself to take time to deal with them. Time is something that I do have, even if my diagnosis is 'incurable'. Infact this moment in time is actually why I still have hope for the future no matter how dimly that hope may seem to be on occassion.
There are those who say you have to be 'POSITIVE' (in capital letters, rather than shouting) all the time, as though one negative thought will make the cancer grow out of control and destroy any good in anything else you may have done that day. If this is the approach that gets you through the day, then fine; but to me it seems to be a bit punative. It is a bit like thinking you have to stick to the anti-cancer diet of your choice absolutely, and if you eat anything that you know you shouldn't be eating then everything will be negated. Really it is all about doing the best that you can in any particular moment.
One thing I have learned over the years of having depression in my life is that I need to go with the flow. There are times that I just really need to have a good cry and let out the pent up emotions, hormones, whatever, so I can get some balance back into my life and save what is left of my sanity. It is like a build up of water behind a dam, if you don't allow any release in some sort of a controlled manner you have a disaster in the making. Think Dambusters! When the bomb landed in the right place it caused the dam to be breached, but if it didn't get the right spot the problem would dissipate relatively harmlessly. Some where along the line recently one of those bombs got right up against my wall and blew my mind for a while, but I am getting back to where the bombs aren't hitting that spot and the impact is not causing any cracks. There needs to be release, not collapse; there needs to be some sort of control that can allow my focus to come back to where I want to be.
At the beginning of last year I did a course about Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction that was run as a trail by the hospital where I have my treatment. That taught me a technique of constantly regaining control by being able to bring focus back to my breathing. Just normal breathing, nothing yogic, no deep control, just ordinary breathing while noticing that the air being taken is in cooler than the air as it comes out. This is a microscope focused on my emotions that I am using, not the one I mentioned at the beginning of this post which feels as though it is broadcasting those emotions to the world via a link to a giant screen. My personal microscope allows see that right here and right now I am ok, and my breathing can allow my mind and body to relax and gain control over the here and now.
It is more about having confidence in myself to be able to deal with things, and allowing myself to take time to deal with them. Time is something that I do have, even if my diagnosis is 'incurable'. Infact this moment in time is actually why I still have hope for the future no matter how dimly that hope may seem to be on occassion.
Monday, 4 June 2012
How very British
Trust the weather to be a disaster for the Thames River Pageant yesterday as part of the Queen's Diamond Jubilee celebrations. For those of you who are not familiar with this particular phenomenon it is virtually a tradition that whenever there is a Bank Holiday weekend (public/national holiday) the weather turns nasty. I partially blame my aunt for yesterday because she was complaining the day before that it has been too dry recently (she is a gardening person) and then spent the whole of yesterday complaining that it was raining! Personally I love this about the English weather...the very fact that you can't rely on it at all, is actually the only thing that you can rely on. My niece was so lucky for her wedding on 12 May. Just two days before it had been cold and so wet we were considering whether we could get hold of a boat in time!
But even with the awful weather things still went ahead yesterday, and I think it got to a point where no one really cared anymore, and the rain was almost as much of a star as the sun would have been. I loved the way the new Needle building, which will be the tallest building in Western Europe, started to disappear as the weather got worse and the cloud got lower. I don't like just a little bit of rain on such a day. It has to be soaked to the skin or nothing because you get to the point where wet is best, and much more fun! I loved the London Symphony Orchestra chorus members at the very end doing their Last Night of the Proms bit when they were drenched and couldn't really even hear what the orchestra was playing below. Good on you ladies and gentlemen, just enjoy it!
The newspaper this morning questioned why the Queen and the Duke didn't sit on the 'thrones' on the deck of the royal barge. I would have thought that it was obvious that there was more protection from the cold, wind and driving rain by standing behind them, not sitting on them! The Queen did briefly go below deck, possible to get a slug of something to warm her, as well as the wrap that she emerged with. If ever there was a time to splice the mainbrace!
But even with the awful weather things still went ahead yesterday, and I think it got to a point where no one really cared anymore, and the rain was almost as much of a star as the sun would have been. I loved the way the new Needle building, which will be the tallest building in Western Europe, started to disappear as the weather got worse and the cloud got lower. I don't like just a little bit of rain on such a day. It has to be soaked to the skin or nothing because you get to the point where wet is best, and much more fun! I loved the London Symphony Orchestra chorus members at the very end doing their Last Night of the Proms bit when they were drenched and couldn't really even hear what the orchestra was playing below. Good on you ladies and gentlemen, just enjoy it!
The newspaper this morning questioned why the Queen and the Duke didn't sit on the 'thrones' on the deck of the royal barge. I would have thought that it was obvious that there was more protection from the cold, wind and driving rain by standing behind them, not sitting on them! The Queen did briefly go below deck, possible to get a slug of something to warm her, as well as the wrap that she emerged with. If ever there was a time to splice the mainbrace!
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